[His] confidence was something to behold and envy. He was so certain that she was going to make it that we told our friends… Even this felt dangerous.
Life has taught me to be an ‘expect the worst’ type of person. If something good happens, cool. But if something bad happens, I’m prepared & won’t fall apart. I know what it’s like to fall apart & don’t ever want to go back there.
So even when telling Sonny we were pregnant, I made sure he knew all the things that could lead to a false positive at home test. Could be real, but I mean it also could be a kidney infection so, relax. I won’t confess my level of crazy & say how many sticks I peed on. And for how many days. I’d have to finally see it to believe it.
When I started imagining us having kids, I imagined not telling anyone. So much could go wrong. Why get people’s hopes up? Sunshine was ready to proclaim it to the world day one 🤣. He was so excited. I couldn’t bring myself to tamper that. I admire that in him so much & want that type of optimism & faith for my children. For your world to not have been shattered or tainted in a way that makes you hard, pessimistic, unable to enjoy good for fear of bad... how dope is that?!
I channel Sunshine’s energy every time I share something about this pregnancy. I channel the unwavering faith I see in our families & I push through. Every time I speak about her it feels like an enormous leap of faith. Every time the anxiety, the fear are lurking beneath the surface. But I choose hope. I choose light. I choose faith. Every day is a new choice & I know what kind of future I choose for myself & my family.
But I mean I still be thinking like “what the f*ck did I just do?!” 🥴
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